We are already here, or rather you are here. You finally decide to leave your dull, pathetic life as a loser and become a winner. You’ve long thought you were the Harry Potter of the book of your life when you were just Ron Weasley’s bloody rat. But done, thanks to this top, you will have all the keys to being a real start-up boss and being someone important. To move forward together, I’ll call you Daniel, and since I’m a cool start-up boss I’ll tell you, Daniel’s ugly, so Dan. Did you see how I talk to you like shit at the beginning of the top? Soon you will be able to do the same and inspire respect and admiration in others.
1. Find a solid concept for your startup
New ideas are rare, most good ideas are already sourced from elsewhere, so you shouldn’t hesitate to steal someone else’s idea and do it faster than him or her. The law of the market comes first with a concept, and then to improve it. The idea that you steal is likely to be zero, but that’s okay: you spend your time belittling others to improve yourself: the failure of others is your elevator to the top. You see I used the colon “:” twice in the same sentence, because I’m the boss and I’m not joking about the rules.
2. Build the perfect team: favor interns and job study candidates
You might think that the principle of being the boss of a start-up is to give a damn as much as possible, so you will need employees. But who says wages and charges are employees and bored. Hire the right people as managers, real winners, and for others to go to interns and job study contracts, it’s malleable and we can make them the most annoying ones. work by using the phrase “no, but we all go through it”.
3. Get only winners (or be easily influenced by people)
To successfully execute your project and above all quickly, you will need motivated people. And what motivates people the most? A rude atmosphere and a vast sense of disconnection if the job is done poorly. By pushing people to work unpaid overtime, you get the best out of them and they will respect you for it. And why didn’t they leave? Because you arranged the offices well.
4. Organize the workspace to create comfort that boosts productivity
slaves Employees will work long hours to fill your pockets, so you need to return the favor to them. It’s boring but it’s really like that, and in the end it’s pretty simple. Install a water fountain in offices, invest in a second-hand table football (even if it has teeth, who cares) and make a game console available. Do not install suddenly dissatisfied, it must come gradually, otherwise they will start to act like pampered children.
5. Give your team nicknames
Why do you think I called you Dan? Because it’s cool, it’s young and it creates a bond of intimacy between us while I generally don’t give a damn about you. If you call your team by nicknames, they will understand that you are their friend, so when you use their real name they will immediately understand the difference.
– Pat, come to my office! (The employee expects to play ping-pong and share a special moment with you.)
– Patrick, come to my office! (The employee knows he or she is guilty and expects to be insulted and fired.)
Additionally, nicknames can save you if you decide not to remember your team’s first names, then call everyone by an emotional nickname like “coffee maker” or “stapler”.
6. Compete in a bounty system
By setting goals for your team with bonus income, you will find that everyone will start to be more motivated. But that’s not enough, it’s important to turn people against each other by pretending they’re all insulting each other behind their backs. For example:
– Hey, Didier, Catherine told me you were so dumb that you hid your own Easter eggs. If I were you, I would try to win a bounty by completing my goals faster than him, because he is on the path to win and that will prove that he is right …
Divide and conquer is the basis of management, otherwise they start to talk too much and get along well and before you have time to fart it is already talking about unions and raises.
7. Soak in Linkedin, for that
Linkedin is hell on earth, it’s known. But not for you who are part of high society, the tool was created so that you and the other boss will finally get the soap. If your employees adore you and care about you, let the whole world know about it. Feel free to give social network lessons and show how much you are a mentor and a great team leader. Feel free to pay to sponsor your message, less will go into the pocket of the proles working for you.
8. Don’t allocate Team Building (at a lower cost)
Do you think you can treat your team like crap all the time and never give them a bone to chew on? Holy Daniel, there are no two like you, you are stupid, you can’t. This is obviously wrong, you also have to go through more tedious stages like team building. If your club has good numbers, you can take everything for a day or even a night somewhere. Beware of trips too far or activities like quad biking, massage or that kind of thing: it’s worth the ball and you care about your balls. A delicious meal at Buffalo Grill (dish/dessert, they pay for their drink, don’t mess up) and an archery session in the club’s parking lot and it’s done.
9. Go to the office at irregular hours and write to your employees at bad times
The urgent message sent at 10 pm from the terrace of your loft should be completely written in dry tone otherwise your employees will not take it seriously. It’s more or less illegal to ask for things outside of work hours, but that’s okay, you’re above the law. For your office presence comes irregularly, so you can spend days not coming but your employees are waiting for an unexpected arrival and do not take advantage of it in vain.
10. Make points with your employees to talk about you
You can arrange these meetings when you have a little loose, such as after a bad investment in the stock market or because your partner / companion was dumped because you were just human. Take advantage of these moments to talk yourself to one of your employees, you don’t have to tell the truth, just show how much better your life is than his and lower him to increase your ego.